HAHAHAH!!!!!!!!

Now ive been thinking. have you ever wondered what life would have been like if you had made certain decisions at certain times? or if you had left something out? of tried your hardest when you only tried a little?

i do

i wonder all the time how life could have been. how it should have been.

i have a lot of memories of things i regret, and several times a day i kinda wish i could go back and start all over again. its not because im unhappy. it because i am more or less curious.

im totally happy with everything. theres not a whole lot i wish i could have seen before it happened. i feel kinda dumb for making a lot of decisions.

ive lied to gain favor, ive made friends under false pretenses. ive decieved friends, loved ones, my mother. and those are things i would have changed. not like im goin all holier than thou. im jsut thinkin my life would be a little better had i not treated people so badly. there are people who totally deserved it, but there were some who did not.

since i moved ive been doing a lot of things differently.

in some cases not by choice.

everyone i went to high school with is either on drugs, hates me, has played with my emotions, or is just too cool to hang out with me, thats not too bad, since i dont really care about that.

people here arent worth spending weekdays with.

theres not enough people who are.

anytime i go to visit sacramento, i make plans with around 10 or 15 people, and end up only hanging out with 1 or 2 and still getting the vibe that they really dont want to hang out with me in the first place.

maybe you could chalk it up to my being paranoid.

i live in a single room by myself. of course i would go a little crazy.

every girl ive met here, either wants to get married or just wants to have sex. i dont mind the sex thing, nor do i mind being in a commited relationship, just seems neither is my option when i want one or the other. when i want sex, they want a commitment, when i want a commitment, they just want sex.

girls. eesh.

bottom line, heres the bad:

here, i have no friends. no real friends that is.

there, i also have little or no friends. im pretty sure ive lost 99.9 percent of them.

im unemployed, and with no experiance and only a school to put down as a refrence, hope for that
anytime soon is bleak.

things are expensive and through my loan i am expected to live off of $211.94 a month

i think im going stir crazy from lack of exposure to people and nagging social anxiety when i am around them. i think too much.

heres the good:

i dont have to worry about making lasting connections because i dont plan on being here for the rest of my life anyways.

by the time i am 24 i will have my own resturant and will be able to do waht i love.

girls come and go, and while they are here, they are fun.

when i have money i know how to spend it frugally, so i get what i need and some of the things i want.

i seem to be liked among the people i see on a regular basis, people i dont even remember recognise me on the street and strike up conversations with me, which is kinda surprising, but nice.

i have my own room, which makes one crazy, but not as much as it would if i had a roommate.

all in all im a pretty fucked up and depressed individual, but if i tough it out a little longer...

...ill be one of the happiest mother fuckers in the existance of the world.

i can say anything right now, and it would be right.


i like being that ghost. the one who said things and is ever present but the one who is still in the back of our mind.

i am the person who you never see but when someone mentions them you know exactly who they are talking about. its never "tom? whos that?" its always "yeah, i know that guy" that may be it, but its still acknowledgement.

i am a pale ghost, a mist. i am completely transparent. in all bad and such good ways.


and you know how i know this?


because its very possible that noone will read this entry. heh.

Time started:
2AM

Name:
Tom

Nickname:
Tom

Single or Taken:
Theres some debate over that very subject, but for the time being its taken.

Birthday:
Dec 5th

Siblings:
Nope

Eye color:
Brown

Shoe size:
10 and a 1/2

Height:
Six feet+ or -

What are u wearing now:
Same thing i wear every night of my goddamn life.

Where do you live:
SF

Righty or lefty:
Lefty

Breakfast
is NOT the most important meal of the day

Aftershave/Perfume:
My own musk is man enough for me

Favorite cartoon character:
Bluto

HAVE YOU EVER

Given anyone a bath:
uh...grandma? no

have you ever smoked:
Yeah

Bungee Jumped:
Nope

Parasailed:
yeah

Made yourself throw-up:
not yet.

Gone skinny dipping:
Yeah

Been in the opposite sex's bathroom:
Yeah

Eaten a dog biscuit:
Nope

Got your tongue stuck to a pole:
nope

Loved someone so much it made you cry?
eh, feelings are for wussies

Played truth or dare:
yeah

Been in a physical fight:
Yeah

Been in a police car:
Yeah

Been in a sauna:
Yeah

Been in a hot tub:
Oh yeeeeaaaah

Swam in the ocean:
Yeah

Got stung by a jellyfish:
yup

Fallen asleep in school:
yup

Ran away?:
if you call getting kicked out running away

Broken someone's heart?:
thats why they call me "heart-breaker"

Cried when someone you love died:
everyone that dies is a quitter, and i could never love a quitter.

Flashed someone:
my boobs? yeah, like 5 minutes ago

Cried in school:
yeah, after my kitten got urn over and a rock fell on a bird i found an- no...no i havent.

Fell off your chair:
Yeah

Sat by the phone all night waiting for a call:
from who? no...no i havent.

Saved MSN / YAHOO / AOL / AIM conversations:
yeah...i think.

Saved e-mails:
Nope

Fallen for your best friend?:
Yes?

Been cheated on?:
many times

First thing that comes to mind

Red:
shoe

Blue:
poo

Autumn:
to ashes

Cows:
flowers

Greenland:
wasp

Cat:
dart

nickel:
bear

Elbow:
pear

arm:
share

Your good luck charm:
my lovely face

Whats your room like:
i dont own anything...let alone a room

Last thing you said:
i dunno, i havent talked to anyone since this morning

What is beside you:
a beer and the remote control

What kind of shampoo do you use?
garnier

something that has happened to you this year:
girls are wicked...

Had Chicken pox:
Yeah

Had a Sore Throat:
Yeah

Believe in love at first sight?:
depends on who it is.

Like picnics:
OH SHIT YEAH

Like school:
OH SHIT YEAH>.......waot...er...wait...no

What schools?:
barber

Would you......

Eat a live hamster:
mmm....

Go to a hanson concert:
what...do i look like victoria feeney?

Kill someone you didn't know for 15 billion bucks:
yeah...yeah, i think i honestly would

If you were stuck on an island, what people/person would you want with u?
luber jacks...and raft craftsmen

Who Was the last person................

You yelled at:
do my own body parts count?

Who told you they loved you:
my mother

Who is your loudest friend:
your face

Do you/Are You.....

Do you like filling these out:
no

Do you wear contacts or glasses:
no

Do you like yourself:
no

Do you get along with your family:
no

Do you do drugs:
yes

Have piercing below the waist?
no

Obsessive?:
depends

Depressed?:
No

Suicidal?:
No

Final questions

How many ppl are you sending this to:
0

What are you listening to right now:
Family guy

Can you do a front or back flip?:
no

what did you do today:
came back from sac

What is your favorite band:
lots

Hate any of your family:
No

Got any awards:
no

Have you ever gone streaking?:
no

Want to get married:
no

What is your favorite video game?:
Super Mario Bros.

If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change:
i would make my body bald below my neck

Have a lava lamp:
no

How many remote controls are in your house:
none

Are you double jointed:
Nope

What do you dream about:
food

Last time you showered:
three days ago

The last movie you saw at the theatres:
dont remember

Scary or happy movies:
neither

Root beer or Dr. Pepper:
Dr. Pepper

Silver or Gold:
silver

Diamond or pearl:
Diamond

Sunset or Sunrise:
Sunset

Phone or in person:
In person.

Oldest, middle, youngest or only child:
ONLY

Do you want your friends to fill this out and send it back?:
no

finished at: 2:14am

hey there livejournal. no in-depth entries for a while.

since moving to SF i have had the oppertunity to realize a few things.

girls here suck just as much as girls in sac. luckily i have one right now that suits me just fine.

friends here are nowhere near as cool as the friends i still have in sac.

being drunk all the time is a given for those under 40 here. and some over.

not having a job doesnt mean you cant have fun when you know people who have tons of money to throw around.

living somewhere for under $800 is almost impossible though i am lucky to have found a room in a $2600 house for only $200. (no, not a closet)





but most of all.



i wish i lived in sac again. or rather, theres a large part of me that wishes i did. im not up for partying all the time at dance clubs. i just want to have a crap job and ride my bike everywhere. i dont want to live with my girlfriend. i want to live alone. or with guy friends. i dont think i was quite ready to take on the responsibility of being an adult here.


therefore there are two options.

1. move back. get a car and a job and a bike and a place to live, all over again.
2. stay here and go to school and live in the dorm and have the oppertunity to start over in a new place with a new set of people.


i dont know. i miss everyone. i miss a lot of the things i used to have, but i know there is a reason why i am here and i dont know if its quite time to give up yet. i just dont know.

if there was a time when i needed advice, it would be now. people who know me, please help me.


oh and also, if i havent seen you in more time than the time i came down last, then GIVE ME A CALL!!! i will be down in sac from the 2nd to the 4th. GIVE ME A CALL!!! (916) 224-4695.

if i dont hear from you, you will be spit upon.

i win for longest time without writing.

almost 6 months.

did anything even think i was still alive?

...


















...well im not.

updating journal.


have a san fran gal whos all kindsa cool. her name is lauren, and shes from austin, TX.

she doesnt have an accent, but she still says "y'all"


update completed.

PRO:
went to a friends house to await a voyage to what was supposed to be berkley.

ended up in sanfran.

ended up staying for three days.

came back, gathered some shit, then left for SF again.

going back tomorrow to settle some shit after finding a job here.

ended up living in sf.

CON:
destroyed everything i could have possibly had going for myself before i left.

probably destroyed any chance i could have had with someone i now live next to that ive been in love with for a little over two years.

and now i am scared for her life.

literally.

and all my clothes are dirty and ill be damned if i am going to PAY to get them clean again.


BOTTOM LINE:
i now live in SF.

so looks like im about to be homeless again. i need opinions, should i move to SF or LA? im gonna go to one, just dont know WHICH one.

so i guess my mom was in the hospital the other day and didnt even call to tell me. i guess its because she doesnt want me to worry, but of course ill worry. im not quite ready for my mom to die yet.

ive been doing pretty well lately i guess. no real problems to speak of.

its funny how sometimes certain words, pictures, etc. can remind you of people you havent seen in years.


lately im feeling like ive got things for the most part figured out. i mean, there are still some kinks in the cogs i gotta work out, but i think i generally have it. im going to watch people more closely now to prevent any of these things from happening again.

i trust noone. its how it has to be. and i thought my trust was hard enough to earn in the first place. now noones safe. so watch out, cause i might eat you all.

my journal entries are not to be taken as needless whining. anyone who doesnt see me on a nearly daily basis doesnt know the first thing about why i type what i type.

so if you arent graced by my presence day to day, then dont presume to know how i spend my time. the breakdown in my last post was an exageration on what my days consist of. if you knew me, you would know this. so shush.

but thank you for the advice anyways.

nowdays when i sit down and think. i realize just how alone i am.

the only friends i have are the roommates i cant stand for more than a day at a time, or the people who i love but never see.

my roommate chad was telling me about how he noticed that i seem really depressed lately. no shit. i can see how he would think that.

heres a breakdown of my daily routine.(excluding work days)

1.wake up at about 5am
2.watch tv till about 12pm, then go back to sleep
3.wake up at about 9pm and go somewhere unimportant for a little while, then come home and go to bed.
(repeat)

anyone see anything wrong with that?

my days just seem to blend together, hours of nonesense, bleeding into hours of nonesense.

i miss the old days.

if there was ever a time i needed friends, that time is now.

1. made a mistake on new years that ruined a friendship, i think.
2. lost someone special to me after a month of sheer bliss.
3. saw that people i had left behind are happier with the people who snatched them up in my wake.
4. the realization that i cant keep the last time i was truly in love in sacramento any longer.
5. realized i have no actual friends except for those i never see.

things just arent going my way.

i hate new years.

hat(ed)


it was just another reminder of how crappy the past year has been. some ups, some downs, but all in all shitty.

this year is already turning out to be shitty.



...and i thought last year sucked.

i can bet you theres not very many people who know ANYTHING about this weekend.

people still write in livejournal??!??!??!?!? how wierd.


anyways. ive been living in a closet, and its working out okay i guess. i work at starbucks, but people seem to be forgetting that, since i tell people, but then a day later, they ask me where i work now. whatever. ive grown a huge disdain for people in general. i just doht appreciate life like i used to. all i do is work and sleep, and occaisionally hang out with whoever calls, but noone calls anymore, so i dont hang out as much. i would like to, but im not really given the chance to.


i cant log into myspace from the library. its funny how everyone who uses it talks shit about it.
"so, you on myspace?"
(everyone in the room groans in disgust)
"yeah, but its hella gay"
"yeah, i only go on it like 1 day a week"
(AKA 10 hours a day)
"yeah, i only add people i know personally"
(yeah, all 2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 personal friends)


personally i like myspace. ive always liked sites like that. i used to be on facethejury, then all the other ones that followed. i liked it. i met hella people off sites like that. and i have myspace to thank for a lot of the friends i have now. i dont care how long i am on the site for, or how many peolpe i add, as long as i make more contacts, ill never have to worry about being stuck somewhere/having noone to talk to/never knowing whats going on.

its just funny how people bash the site that brings people together. JUST because it causes e-drama when someone posts bulitens about who slept with who. eh, whatever. i like it and im not afraid to admit it.

but yeah, i cant log on while at the library, and it really sucks.

and i would love to know whats going on tonight.


boo. im bored.

fucking choke and die.

It's funny how people seem to be mired in almost perpetual immaturity. Granted I have those moments too, it just makes me a little sad to see that the same shit that used to happen in high school is happening a year and months graduated. I thought I got away from all the bullshit that made me want to get out of school, I guess not.

Yes, i still have the gas card, and refuse to give it back until SOMEONE has the balls enough to pick up the phone and call me for it back. And yes, I am still using it. I've used it for cigaretts three times and for cheetos once, but thats going to stop, since I would rather not get anyone in trouble for rediculous spending on it. I also use it for gas, but only if I desperately need to get somewhere. I still feel bad, but for certain reasons, I feel vindicated/justified/right for doing so.

I feel like people are avoiding me, because they probably are. Which is why I keep such a close knit groupe of friends. People who actually call me, or at least call me back.

I've worked two days at the halloween store, because Jared is my only ride there and it's in Roseville. Few people know that my car is now out of commition and is probably towed from it's current location to the police impound, which means I never get it back, not like I ever want it back. I got a new car, its a Nissan Stanza, but it's missing a passenger door and has 244 dollars in backfees owed, so until I get some money, I wont be driving anywhere for a while.

I'm regretting selling my guitar, 'cause now I dont have one anymore.

Oh, and there seem to be some rumors floating around that have made me wonder exactly why people who open their big mouths are allowed to live. I'll address these...now.


1. I have heard from people that I tried to rape Sarah, that's stupid. We made out the night I broke up with Briana. 'Nuff said.
2. People are saying that I'm sleeping with lots of random sluts. The last girl I had sex with was my friend for about a year, Angela, and before that, Kelsey, and before that Briana.
3. People are saying that I fucked denae (sp?). Though I wish I could take credit for that, sadly, i cannot.

C'mon people, grow up.

Seems like rumors are the new TV.


Other than that, I'm doing fine. All I need is a real job. Then I'll be set.

everyone used to be happy, but things have started happening that makes people want to kill themselves. its kinda sad really. i mean, i got some bad shit goin on. im homeless, poor, and was jobless till yesterday.


but im still happy.


i just dont think theres too much time in life to be down about everything. yeah, it helps to be concerned about the future, but when you obsess over the bad you never have any time to make the good happen.


thats all i have to say 'bout that

i have a G.I. viral infection that causes severe nausea and intense stomach pains.


fun.